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[11 Jun 2007|05:54pm] |
If you read the entry below, as I just did...I'm kind of amazed that nearly two months later I feel basically the same way. I'm still getting over the breakup in very similar ways to how I was just a week after it occurred. A lot has happened, I suppose. I stayed away from him, mostly, for the last few weeks of school. When summer started we started to hang out some more. I thought I was keeping myself separated from the situation enough. I thought I was okay with just being friends with him and everything, but maybe I'm not. Its harder and harder to hang out with him every time we do hang out. I see us getting a long like we used to and feeling attracted to him still and I think to myself "maybe someday this will all work out". But he's not in that same frame of mind. His thought are more like "cool, it looks like we can be friends and I can not feel bad about checking out other girls" That kills me still because I want to feel loved and wanted like I used to feel around him.
I feel like I'm in a constant merry-go-round. The same thing keeps happening to me. Every time I get close to someone, friend or boyfriend, a year later everything has changed and they end up not wanting me around any more. I keep hoping this will change. I never even really thought about it with Luis, sure it was in the back of my head, but our first year we were so happy and together. I thought my luck had changed and we would last forever. We lasted to a year and a half, plus a little. (21 months in total, but his feelings towards me began to change before that) Maybe I get too comfortable? Maybe I start to change myself? It seriously has to be something that I personally and bringing to the relationship for every single one to go sour after about a year. I just wish I knew what specifically it was, ya know?
I want very much to keep Luis in my life. I just need to make sure to keep reminding myself that I'm not that girl he wants. We aren't getting back together, no matter how much I want it.
Unfortunately I'm thinking I might have to completely cut him out of my life for a period of time in order to get over this. Him hanging out with other people without me still makes me jealous. The idea of him flirting with anyone else still makes me jealous. The idea of him having a life without me and being fine with it still makes me feel incredible alone.
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[15 Apr 2007|01:01pm] |
So this weekend so far has been a kinda emotional roller coaster (as per usual). I find myself thinking very logically for longish periods of time and then all of a sudden breaking down in tears.
When I'm in my logical state I think of how this is the best thing to have happened. Maybe Luis and I shouldn't have been together, or maybe we were and it just wasn't meant to last. I'll eventually find someone more perfect for me than him and I just have to wait for him. But then thoughts like that lead me to thinking why did the Universe bring him into my life if it's just going to cause me this pain? And how am I gonna find someone else so accepting of my weird habits as he seemed to have been. I think of how can I ever find another person and let myself get to wrapped into another person if I might just lose them too? I feel kinda hopeless with that because I don't want to be the cynical girl who never trusts guys, but its scary because I'm afraid if I open my heart up to someone else some day that I'm gonna lose them too. When I first started dating Luis I didn't want this to happen but I let myself fall for him. And now he's learned that I'm not the one for him and I'm just scared to let myself do that again to have yet another person discard me. I don't want to find out how much discarding I can take.
I just keep thinking though, I'm only 20, almost 21 and although I've always thought of that as old, I still feel so young, I still feel 17 or something. I feel like there are so many people out there who know what they're doing when they go out and know how to intrigue people and I'm just so scared that my inability to know what the heck I'm doing is going to come back at me in a bad bad way.
I just don't want to end up alone. I don't want to be 40 and wishing I had gotten married and had kids. But I love the idea of having a guy in my life not because I don't think I could survive, but because I want someone to share my life with. I thought I had that with Luis. I thought I knew him and he knew me...and now maybe I'm starting to see that maybe I didn't know him as well as I thought I did. I always wished I could read him like how his best friend Tad could read him. Maybe Tad has this special ability to read people, or maybe Tad just simply knew Luis better. I want to be with someone who I can read without them having to tell me anything. I don't know if I have that ability. Maybe once you find the person you're supposed to be with it just comes naturally, I don't know.
I'm just really impatient. I want to find that someone and I want it now. But I guess this is the Universe's way of telling me to slow down and that I'm not ready for it. I had wanted to get married to Luis right after college, or at least a year out of college, but maybe this is the Universe's way of saying "hey, remember wanting to get married later in your twenties? Remember thinking it was too soon to want marriage at 21 or 22? Yeah, you were right."
Meaghan just wrote me a really good quote:
"Eventually all the pieces will fall into place. But until then, laugh at the confusion, live for the moment, don’t forget who you are, remember where your heart is, and know that everything happens for a reason."
I just have to keep that in mind.
I keep asking myself if I'm getting over this too soon though? I'm readying myself for the idea that we may never get back together, and that's a good for me choice, but I don't really want to let go so quickly. Its only been a week. It feels like much longer, but its only be a short 7 days. I miss talking to him and hanging out with him, he was so unique. I felt like Luis was somehow an extension of me. Like when I talked with him I was talking to myself. But I don't know the real truth anymore, I suppose. I don't know if towards the end he was just acting that way to appease me.
I keep going back to one thing he said that kinda cut at me. I don't really think he meant for it to hurt, maybe he did, I have no way of knowing, but at one point during our breakup conversation he said something along the lines of "I felt bad that I didn't pay attention to you on the phone sometimes, that I wasn't listening, but sometimes it was because I just wasn't interested." Ouch. Sometimes I wasn't interested in what he had to say either, but at least I never out right said it.
I don't want to end this entry on that though. I really hate to make him look badly because I can't, in my heart, believe that the Luis I met and fell for, the Luis I hope to God is still inside him, would do this to hurt me. I want to think he really is just very confused boy who wants to have fun and not worry about anything. Unfortunately, I happened to be one of those worries he decided to nix from his life. But I really don't want to blame him and end up hating him.
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[12 Apr 2007|07:07am] |
I am on such a roller coaster I think. I was fine yesterday until he called. I don't know what to do with myself. He called and nothing's changed (of course not, it had only been 4 days) and I still miss him and I don't know if he actually misses me too or he wants to feel better about what he's done.
I'm more naseaous that I think I have been since maybe Saturday night. I've got that kinda nausea where I want to throw up and I'm got this body shiver and I want to cry all at the same time.
On the phone he asked if I were working that night and if I'd be online he might be online and we can talk.
I took that as he would be online. I got confused because I couldn't figure out why he wasn't going out on a Wednesday night bc I know he doesn't have anything to do Wednesday nights.
I wasn't actually working last night. I mixed it up with tonight. I still kinda get annoyed/frustrated with him that he can't look at my damn schedule that I gave him. I don't know why he can't. Maybe that's a way of him showing he doesn't care. I don't think he does it on purpose, but the Luis I originally met would have known. So yeah. I think he called way way to early. I might have been find if he called next Tuesday but not now. Now I feel like I've taken a step back. Bc you know what? I also think I fucked up later on that night...
I was tired around 7 so I decided to go to sleep until he IMed me. I had the worst time of it, waking up every few hours to find no IM from him. Finally at midnight I called him. I started the convo off with asking
"are you ok? are you alive?"
and he was like "yeah. why?"
and I was just like "oh bc you never came online like you said you would and I wanted to see if you were ok"
and he was like "yeah, I'm alive. I didn't know you were waiting for me to come online". Me: "well, I wasn't really, but the computer was on"
Luis: Oh, well I got home and I played guitar for a couple of hours and then I did go online but you were idle so I didn't IM you and then Tad came over and we're watching a movie"
Me: Oh. Yeah, I was here, just not really on the computer. How come you're not out? Its a Wednesday night."
Luis: Well I called a few people but they didn't want to go out. So I stayed in and played guitar and watched a movie. I made plans for the weekend though"
At this time I'm thinking to myself "You stayed in and watched a movie?! You complained that you were sick of that bc that's all we ever did!" and I just got such a jealous feeling. Like, he's made plans for the weekend and not with me. I'm not fun enough to be with him and he doesn't want me there.
I feel like I had this bitchy undertone the whole convo, like kinda sarcastic. And I really don't think that can help the situation at. all.
So I txted him a little while later "I'm sorry if I sounded bitchy" and he never responded.
I don't know what to do. I want to feel better. I don't like not eating and not feeling normal. I don't know how and why I can let one person get to me like this. I have work to do and classes to finish and I just don't feel like doing any of it. I want my Dad to pick me up tonight and take me home so I can cry and fall asleep at home. I thought I was doing so well and I'm a wreck again. This night was so crazy, it was basically 12 hours of walking up every few hours and realizing he's gone.
And the scary part is I don't think there's gonna be anything I can do to fix it.
Oh and i don’t know
I don’t know what he's after
But he's so beautiful
Such a beautiful disaster
And if I could hold on
Through the tears and the laughter
Would it be beautiful?
Or just a beautiful disaster
-Kelly Clarkson
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[11 Apr 2007|10:27am] |
Yesterday was a really helpful day. It started off kinda rough, and of course all day I couldn't eat still. But after I got off desk at 4 I walked over to Stop n Shop and while I was there I talked to Kelly, she had called to see how everything was going...its just nice to know she's here for me.
What really helped though was talking to Luis' cousin Lyza. We basically talked about what was going on and I just felt like by talking to someone who knows him that I could get a better handle on things. I'm not really any closer to figuring out what's going to happen, but I don't think that's something I'm going to know for a long time. All we gathered was that he is going through a necessary change and there's not much to do about it besides let him do what he needs to do and try and live life the best I can.
Later I joined Jen, Lisa and some others in the lobby to watch Idol and House. I went to the comm cafe with Jen and Lisa and even went to Pierce and saw Lisa's room. Later on I told them about Luis and I breaking up and it felt so nice not to breakdown crying as I said the words (which I think was helped by talking to Lyza). I basically spent the rest of that time, until 11, talking to Jen and Lisa about it. Mostly Jen and I talked bc it seems that she and her boyfriend have been going through a kind of similar rough patch.
It was nice to have people to talk to and kinda relate to.
11 I went to bed and I turned on the History Channel. Now, I'm kind of a believer in signs. I don't know what they mean half the time, but I think the concept is very intriguing. So I'm watching the history channel and I'm watching a show on the apocalypse. It was really interesting because they were talking about how some views of the apocalypse say it can't happen until the Jewish temple in Jerusalem is rebuilt but the problem of rebuilding it is that there is now a Muslim Temple built atop it and they refuse to relocate. This is one of the main proponents of the Israeli/Palestinian conflict. So now that I've explained what I was watching, here's the sign: The commercials came on and the first one was a commercial for Stargate Atlantis. It was a professional looking on, not like one you see just advertising the next episode. They were talking about the Red Jump Suit Apparatus and how you could win backstage passes by watching Stargate Atlantis...anyways...my jaw dropped. Never had I ever seen a commercial for Atlantis like that on a station other than SciFi. It's a SciFi show, why was it being advertised like that on History Channel (besides the fact that maybe the same company owns them, don't say that)...Atlantis was mine and Luis' show.
So is that a sign of good things? or a bad sign bc it was on during a show about the apocalypse....lol.
After that I went out to the lobby, Lisa was working desk till midnight and I told her about my sign. She didn't seem impressed, lol. she doesn't believe in signs. That's ok. lol
At midnight Jackie came on desk and Lisa told her about Luis and I...so Jackie and I spent the next 2 hrs talking about it in one form or another...it was so helpful having so many people to talk it through with. I know Luis said he has heard more stories of people breaking up and not getting back together, but I've heard more stories of people breaking up and ending up together.
I'm trying not to cling to him too much. Because for all I know maybe this is for the best and that I'm better off without him and he's better off without me. But I do miss him...whoa man, I was about to go into what I missed and I started to tear up...so let's not go there right now. I'm trying to keep in mind what he really needs right now is to see what else is out there. And if I really am the one for him he'll realize it (hopefully not too late, ya know?). I don't have any idea of a time table for that, I wish it were sooner rather than later, but I think this needs to take as much time as it needs to take.
Lastly, I was kind of in shock last night when I came back to my room around 230 and a few minutes later my cell let me know I had a text. at 1230 he had sent me a text "I just want to see if your ok. Let me know if you need anything."
What. I don't know what to think of that. Is that something to take as face value, like he's just feeling bad about hurting me and really wants me to be ok and wants me to know he's there for me, or did he text me as a way of reaching out because he misses me? Or is he trying to make himself feel better about hurting me and wants the reassurance so he can feel better. I'd like to think he wouldn't be so selfish, that's not the old Luis, but I'm at a point where I don't know anymore.
I went to Jackie about that. I knocked on her door to ask for advice on whether to send anything back to him and if so what...she told me that is was a good thing he txted me...I want to think she's right.
I simple told him in the txt back that I was dealing with it as best I can. Nothing more, nothing less.
Today I woke up without the nauseous feeling in my stomach. Of course I'm still thinking about it, and I want things to work out with us eventually, but I think I'm starting to slowly realize that that is going to take a lot more time than I'd like and that I can't sit around and wallow the entire time. I just have to have hope that someday (hopefully sooner than later) he realizes that I'm an awesome person and he'll be hard pressed to find someone better than me. There's a reason for why when we were good, we were really good together.
Lastly, I think its interesting that of all the stories I've heard from people, guys seem to have this inherent need to go though a period of being carefree and single.
situations that give me some hope?:
In 8th grade I hooked up Chad and Krista. They dated all through highschool but by senior year it was Krista who didn't know if she still wanted Chad. So all senior they broke up. By the summer they were back together and today they are living together.
Luis' cousin Lyza and her now husband broke up for a period of time so he could do the single thing.
Luis' parents broke up for a year when they were in highschool.
Jackie told me her cousin and her husband had broken up and gotten back together.
And a few other stories that have been uplifting.
If Luis and I are supposed to be together, we'll find our way back to each other.
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[10 Apr 2007|03:06pm] |
Thanks God for automatic emails. I've been more preoccupied with everything else that I forgot I didn't have enough money in my BOA account to cover my Netflix. So I have to rush over to the bank after I get off desk and throw in my paycheck.
I've been in such an odd state today. I went to bed around 1230 last night, not late at all, and woke up at the last possible second this morning for classes and yet I was yawning through the entire Textiles class and I actually did fall asleep in Bio. I felt bad falling asleep in Bio b/c that man is such a sweet guy and I felt so rude. I was thinking of skipping Tailoring but talked myself out of it...well, actually I thought I talked myself out of it, but by the time I got back to my room to grab my stuff for that class...I just jumped in bed. Lol. I took a subshift for desk from 3-4 this afternoon, otherwise I would've kept sleeping.
(P.S., I need to figure out how to get more food in my system. This is not healthy. I've gone from eating way too much to eating nothing at all. And I mean nothing. Yesterday I had a bowl of cucumbers for lunch and everything else I tried made me feel nauseous. And for dinner, I had a bowl of cucumbers, some bread and olive oil and a small bit of chocolate soy milk. Today I had to make myself eat a quaker breakfast bar, and that almost didn't stay down. I just don't get why my system is being affected like this...)
I feel like I'm in a weird state. Like I'm walking around in a fog. Like an outsider, or like I'm waiting for something big to happen. I can't help but continue to go back and forth about the breakup situation. I don't know if I feel like this is the best idea or the worst idea. I keep hoping he'll realize how much he misses me and call me, but then I realize he's probably doing his best to keep his mind off all of this and going out having fun. I won't have any answers, most likely, until next Wednesday at the reunion. I know it's not all the far away, but it feels like ages.
I read something online yesterday. Some site was talking about breakups and it said something like it's kinda like an addiction. That I'm probably thinking that I can't live without him and that my life will never be the same...but that's how someone who is a heroine addict thinks. I kinda find that funny. I don't want this to be an addiction, but maybe it is. I've become so used to being around him and my way of life with him that I've become addicted to it. I just need to wait out the weeks or months it'll take to ween that addiction.
But then my mind shifts and I go back to thinking that no way in hell do I want to give up my life with him. Yes it was comfortable, but I really liked going over his house and doing whatever with him. It scares me to think that there could be someone else on or in his bed besides me. It scares me because I don't know if I'll find someone else, or if it'll take me 10 years, or more, or never.
But no one knows the future, and I especially don't know my own. I have to just keep pushing forward and stop trying to guess what the future will be like. I need to get him out of my mind if that's what he's going to do to me. Because if I can be discarded that easily, then I need to learn to do the same.
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[09 Apr 2007|09:11am] |
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Luis made a good point: I stopped writing in my journal. I just didn't feel the need to write and get out what I was feeling. But now I do. Now I need to sit down and sort through my jumbled, conflicted feelings. Maybe then I can make some sense of what is going on and maybe end this constant nauseous feeling in my stomach.
Saturday night Luis and I broke up. I hate hate hate hate hate saying that. I don't even want to fully grasp it. I still am wearing the necklaces he gave me and I have get to turn around my ring. I don't know why. In the past I was willing to do that nearly as soon as the relationship was over. But I well up with tears every time I go to turn my ring around.
A week ago we were out and Luis let slip that he felt changes in the relationship and that he didn't feel the same he used to. And Saturday night we came to the conclusion that maybe the spark was gone and we had become just really good friends. I'm so conflicted. I love being with him and spending my time with him. And although he would annoy me sometimes, don't all relationships go that way?
Conflict: we're so similar. We have so many of the same interests and habits its crazy. But is that proof we're meant for each other, or that we're really good friends? I can't imagine right now that there is anyone else out there that has the same interest in Stargate Atlantis. Maybe that 70s show and Gilmore girls, but Stargate Atlantis is such an obscure and geeky thing that I can't imagine it. But really, how am I expected to base a relationship off someone liking a TV show? That's silly of me!
My emotions are on a roller coaster. One minute I'm fine, the next I'm bawling my eyes out. I felt horrible at Easter dinner yesterday because the smallest thing would trigger my teary eyes. I was watching Kelly play with Drew (20 months) and every time Julie would mention 20 months I would get choked up bc thats how long Luis and I lasted. And watching Kelly play with Drew reminded me of how I won't get to see Luis' adorable nephews ever again and have babies with him. I wanted bilingual Luis babies. And then Jeff asked how Luis was doing and where was he and I paused and broke into tears saying we had broken up.
If we're only friends then why do I feel like this? I can't bear to never see him again. Sure the spark was gone, but every once in a while it would surprise me a little and be there and things were awesome.
And I just don't get how if he loves me like he says he does and thinks I'm such an amazing person, why can't he be in love with me. I asked him that Saturday night and I felt awful for it afterwards. He didn't know and he started to kinda cry himself. Because he used to be in love with me, and something changed. I just want that something back.
Conflict: Possibility of ever getting back together.
I'm not sure at this point. We decided not to talk or see each other until the Gritaly reunion (everyone who went on the Italy/Greece trip is getting together for pizza and a slide show). Thats about a week and a half from now. I'm so used to talking to him everyday, especially before I go to bed at night...
But anyways, back to my conflict on getting back together. I'm hopeful that it will work well in our favor, but I wonder sometimes if it actually would be good for us. There are two ways it could go. We break up and things go like how it happened with his cousin Lyza or my friends Chad and Krista. See Lyza was dating this guy, George and they ended up breaking up because he wasn't sure he loved her and he wanted to experience being single. But Luis said after 3 months he came back to her saying that she was the only one for him. This past October they were married. And the there's Chad and Krista. Chad and Krista started dating the end of 8th grade and all throughout high school. But by senior year the ended up breaking up because Krista was unsure. But by the end of senior year they were back together and they are still together to this day and living together. Oh! And Luis mentioned that his parents broke up for a year when they were in high school.
So these cases give me hope. But Luis mentioned that those cases are lucky and situations like this don't usually work out. Case in point? My sister and he ex-boyfriend Mike. She went through most of her twenties going back and forth about him. She's telling me that from her experience, its best to just cut all ties, because otherwise I'll never get over him. She said there were times when her and Mike tried to be friends and she always felt led on, because things would seem like the old days and like they were back to normal, but they really weren't.
I don't know. All I know is that I'm nauseous and teary and I want my best friend back. Your lover should be your best friend. But if both don't feel the love then I guess there is no relationship.
My thought are so back and forth. One second I think this is the best thing for us because maybe we really weren't meant for each other. The next second I'm thinking this is the best thing that ever happened to be and I'll never find this kind of happiness again. Sadly, I think it a conflict between my logic and my heart, and that's what hurts. Because my logic = break up is good, but my heart = break up is bad.
I just need to give this all time I suppose. I can't expect to have all the answers right now. Or tomorrow even...
I just want to also be able to comprehend why I was so calm while we were breaking up. It freaked him out and it freaked me out too. I would start bawling every once in a while, but for the most part I was calm and logical. If he didn't feel the love anymore, then let's break up. Let him do what he needs to do to be happy, and if that's me, there's not much I can do to change his mind. I wish I knew how I could have fought for him. But this is the only way I can think of to fight for him. I'm thinking maybe if I let him go, he'll realize that he lost something amazing and come back. But that's a big chance I took and I'm so scared that it will end badly for me. I don't think I want to go back to the time when I didn't know him. It was more boring and not as fun.
Mean while I'm gonna try and get back to feeling as normal as I can and start to push myself to be a better Me. And maybe in time I will find out one of two things. Maybe I'll find out who I am and I will find that I don't need him and I'm better off, or I'll find out who I am and that we're now in the same place and ready to start anew.
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[27 May 2006|11:52am] |
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- I haven't really updated in ages.
- School's out for the summer.
- I got a job at the scrapbooking store. It's alright, lots of cleaning, but interesting things to look at.
- I also have a job at Eddie Bauer.
- I'm having a dilema as to what hours I want to work where. I think I'm going to see if instead of working Friday night, Saturday and Sunday at EB that I just work Sunday and Monday afternoon-close. I know that might not be ideal for them, but I'd rather work the scrapbooking store and I don't like working so much, I want more time to chill in the summer, is that so wrong?
- I'm just thinking I don't want to start off the summer working my ass off, so if I cut down hours at EB then if I want more later on I'll just add more. I don't like how they schedule you for 6-8 hours at a time. I get bored too easily. Or I'm just lazy, I don't know.
- I'm not going to Italy anymore for study abroad. I think Luis and I are going to go on a 2 week tour next summer instead. I found a tour that is super cheap seeing as it also includes air fare, hotel, tour and breakfast. So I'm not so worried about getting money for europe now since I already have plenty for the tour.
- Things with Luis are amazing as usual. I love that boy so much. He was away for most of May, which was sad, but he's been back this week and it's awesome seeing him so much. He'll be going back to Riverhead, NY to work for Sony again next week though, so I'm gonna have my nights free! lol.
- I don't really have too much more to update on. I did alright this semester, 3 As and a B. No complaints. I'm definately happy to be out of there. Ugh, so glad to be home. I like not having to drive 45 minutes every time I want to see Luis. And the nice fact that my car is right outside in the driveway and not a 1/2 mile away. And it's nice to come home and not have to jet off back to school.
Maybe I'll start updating more...that's a thought....
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[04 May 2006|09:07pm] |
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200. My middle name is: kathryn.
199. I was born on: July 21, 1986
198. I am: too dependent
197. My cell phone company is: Verizon.
196. My eye color is: Blue
195. My shoe size is: 4 1/2 - 6 1/2 depending on shoe/company
194. My ring size is: 6?
193. My height is: 5'2".
192. I am allergic to: Any medicines ending in "cillin," like penicillin and amoxycillin, angora, and rosehips
191. I was born in: Boston, MA.
190. I live in: Framingham during the school year, North in the off season.
189. The last book I read: Memoirs of a Geisha"
188. My bed is: disheveled
187. One thing I know for sure about the opposite sex: find the right one and you feel pretty damn lucky
186. I am glad I'm my sex because: I can wear pants or skirts
179. My favorite Holiday is: Christmas, because that's when I get to see my family most regularly
178. The perfect kiss is: passionate, intense
177. The last three cd's I bought were: um...good question
176. Last song that made me cry was?: don't remember
172. My most treasured possession(s) is(are): my necklace from Luis and my mom's claddaugh ring
170. What did you do last night: nothing of consequence
167. My skin's reaction to the sun is (tan/burn): burn
:::I Do (YES)/Do Not (NO) Believe In:::
143. Santa? do not
142. Love at first sight? I do
141. Luck? i do
140. Fate? i do
139. God? i do
138. Aliens? i do
137. Heaven? i do
136. Hell? i dont
135. Ghosts? i do
134. Horoscopes? i dont
133. Soulmates? i do
:::::Which is Better?:::::
129. Hugs or Kisses? hugs. but both are great
128. Drunk or High? Drunk.
127. Phone or Online? phone
126. Red heads or Black hair? my red hair..but luis' black hair :o)
125. Blondes or Brunettes? Brunettes
124. Hot or Cold? Hot.
123. Summer or Winter? Fall!
122. Coffee or Tea? tea
121. Chocolate or Vanilla? vanilla
120. Night or Day? night
119. Oranges or Apples? Apples.
118. Curly or Straight hair? Straight. curly if i could do it
:::::Here's What I Think About:::::
116. Abortion: I would never do it, but it's a decision that no one has a right to make for someone else
115. Backstabbers: get a life
114. Parents: I love mine
110. School: sometimes to easy, sometimes too hard
:::Last Time I:::
103. Kissed someone: Tuesday morn
102. Last time I hugged someone: dinner
101. Seen someone I haven't seen in a while: I had dinner with Jinny/Nate tonight, haven't seen them in a few weeks
100. Cried in front of someone: I cried last night but no one was around.
99. Grew: hmmmm
98. Who is the ditziest person you know: I'm not naming names, lol
89. Who makes you laugh the most: Luis
88. If you could make out with anyone, who would it be: Luis. I could go for a good kiss right now
87. One thing I'm mad about right now is: School needs to end.
83. The last movie I saw in the theater was: Thank You For Smoking
82. The thing I don't understand is: well...a lot...lets not get into it
80. The most unsatisfactory answer I've ever received: because I said so
79. The one thing I love about the opposite sex is: everything about him :o)
76. This summer I am: Working the scrapbooking store and Eddie Bauer, along with hanging out with Luis and hopefully others...and hopefully going to Maryland and Utah
75. Something I will really miss when I leave home is: Dad. And my house
74. The thing that I'm looking forward to the most: Luis coming back from his trips (but don't get me wrong, I'm happy he gets to mix things up a bit, lol)
73. Tomorrow: Friday. Nothing special. Desk, philosophy class, some sewing hopefully, and desk again 6-8..what I do in the meantime..who knows...maybe I'll actually start cleaning and packing up
72. Today: Was pretty low key. High points: Dinner w/Jinny/Nate/James, stop and shop walk w/Aithne/Jon/Meg
71. Next Summer: Work. And the ability to see Luis without either of needing to drive 45 minutes
70. Next Week: projects due!
67. People call me: Becky, Rebecca, Becca, Beck
62. The person who knows the most about me is: Me...and Luis
61. The people that can read me the best are: Luis
60. The most difficult thing to do is: figure out how I want my life to be...and get that done
59. I have gotten a speeding ticket: once
56. My zodiac sign is: Cancer
55. The first person I thought I was in love with was: Scott
53. The one person who can't hide things from me: Luis
51. Right now I am talking to: No one.
48. I have/will get a job at: Eddie Bauer/Right At Home Scrapbooking
47. I have these pets: Mandy, my dog
46. I hope: Luis and I last forever
45. The worst sound in the world: plastic bag rustling early in the morning (learned that from my roommate last year).
44. The people that make me cry the most are: those that don't realize what they're missing by not having my friendship
35. Florida or Hawaii: hawaii
36. My favorite piece of clothing: My new camo bermuda shorts. My FSC sweatshirt
32. My favorite sport is: karate
31. Last time I cried: Yesterday some time...almost this afternoon when in my individual with Liz
28. The school I go to is: Framingham State
27. Last person I got mad at: don't worry about that
26. My worst drinking experience was: the New Year's Scare
seems 25-23 got lost....
22. The all-time best movie is: hmm....my mushy answer would be Wedding Crashers...my favorite though is What A Girl Wants
21. The all-time best thing in the world is: feeling loved and appreciated
19. The most annoying thing ever is: useless excuses
18. The most annoying person you know is: not sure...sometimes my residents are super annoying...like the girl who laughs like a super loud hyenna
17. I lose all respect for people who: have no regard for another's feelings.
16. The movies I have seen lately: Scorpion King, Boondock Saints
15. Closest friend(s) name: Luis
14. TV show you watch: Gilmore Girls, American Idol..others when i think to turn them on
13. Favorite web site: LJ, facebook, blogger
12. I want to be: so many things. Designer, Wife, Mother, etc.
11. The worst pain I was ever in was: I would say my black belt test, the days after that...but cramps I think take the cake
10. My favorite phrase: I love you
9. My room is: Messy.
8. My favorite celebrity is: um...not sure. Maybe Mandy Moore...I don't follow celebs at all
7. My strength: a good friend, and I usually can give good advice, my knitting skills, my drawing skills are okay enough
6. What turns me on: hm...I'm not telling. wink.
5. My weakness is: attention
4. What turns me off is: obnoxiousness
3. Who broke your heart: no one that when they did it ended up mattering much in the end
2. I am doing this 200 question thing because: I really can't think of much better to do...and I can't find my Sims disc
1. What do you regret most? Being too trusting too soon
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| Peer pressure: bc Jinny told me to |
[04 Apr 2006|11:50pm] |
1. Who are you?
2. Are we friends?
3. When and how did we meet?
4. Do you have a crush on me?
5. Would you kiss me?
6. Give me a nickname and explain why you picked it.
7. Describe me in one word.
8. What was your first impression?
9. Do you still think that way about me now?
10. What reminds you of me?
11. If you could give me anything what would it be?
12. How well do you know me?
13. When's the last time you saw me?
14. Ever wanted to tell me something but couldn't?
15. Are you going to put this on your LJ and see what I say about you?
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[02 Apr 2006|08:20pm] |
On Wednesday of this week, at two minutes
and three seconds after 1:00
in the morning, the time and date will be 01:02:03 04/05/06.
That won't ever happen again.
You may now return to your normal stuff.
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[30 Mar 2006|12:22am] |
Two Names You Go By
1. Becky
2. Rebecca
Two Things That Scare You
1. Death
2. Loneliness
Two of Your Everyday Essentials
1. Music
2. Knitting/crochet
Two Things You Are Wearing Right Now
1. red tank top
2. red striped pj pants
Two Things You Want in a Relationship (other than Real Love)
1. Acceptance
2. Honesty ...and I've got both :o)
Two Truths
1. I truly do try to keep my room neat
2. I've become a lot more introverted over the years
Two Physical Things that Appeal to You About the Opposite/Same Sex.
1. Smile
2. Arms
Two of Your Favorite Hobbies
1. Knitting/Crochet
2. sewing
Two Things You Want Really Badly
1. To be more confident
2. To be alive..lol, duh
Two Places You Want to go on Vacation
1. Europe
2. Anywhere with Luis. D.C. was so much fun
Two Things You Want to Do Before You Die
1. Get married/family, etc.
2. Travel
Two Ways That You're Stereotyped by People who don't know You
1. People who don't know me, don't usually figure that I'm a blackbelt
2. They also assume because I'm usually quiet, that I don't have a temper
Two Things You Are Thinking About Now
1. How I should be doing my illustration homework
2. How this Foo Fighters song, No Way Back, sounds kinda like their song My Hero
Two Stores You Shop At
1. Target
2. Old Navy
Two things you'd rather be doing right now
1. Hanging out with Luis
2. Sleeping
Q: Who's bed did you sleep in last night?
A: Mine
Q: What color shirt are you wearing?
A: pinkish dark red
Q: How many people on your list do you know in real life?
A: um...3-5? lol
Q: What color are your undies right now?
A: grey
Q: Do you have any pets?
A: Mandy
Q: Most recent movie you watched?
A: On Dvd: Must Love Dogs; theatre: V for Vendetta
Q: Name 3 things that you have on you at all times?
A: fram keychain with all my keys, school id, cell phone
Q: What's the color of your bed sheets?
A: white, green, blue, orange, red striped
Q: Do you look like a celebrity?
A: When I had the short short hair, Harry Potter..and some guy I knew in high school only called me Shirley, for Shirley Manson from Garbage
Q: Who's the 4th person on your received call list?
A: Kelly
Q: What's your main ringtone on your phone?
A: Blink 182- Aliens Exist
Q: What were you doing at midnight last night?
A: watching tv
Q: What did the last text message recieved on your phone say?
A: Alot.
Q: How many people on your friends list are ex's?
A: none
Q: What is your favorite part of the chicken?
A: breast
Q: What's your favorite town/city?
A: my hometown
Q: I can't wait to...
A: be an "adult"
Q: When was the last time you saw your mom?
A: 1998...
Q: What did you have for dinner LAST NIGHT?
A: Charley's chicken cordon bleu sub
Q: How long have you been at your current job?
A: since september, for Ra, since sept 2004 for desk
Q: What's the last thing you said out loud?
A: Bye
Q: Look to your left. What's there?
A: my entire room.
Q: What's the last piece of clothing you borrowed from someone?
A: um...oh! Kelly's old feehan tennis jacket, so I could bike ride during spring break and not freeze
Q: What website(s) do you visit the most during the day?
A: Hotmail, LJ, Facebook...in that order.
Q: Do you have an air freshener in your car?
A: no, but i should, i miss my car smelling like a laundry basket
Q: Do you have plants in your room?
A: Nope
Q: If you could drink anything right now, what would it be?
A: milk. or chocolate silk milk
Q: Does anything hurt on your body right now?
A: my stomach at some points
Q: What city was your last taxi cab ride in?
A: Framingham...some time last year
Q: Do you own a picture phone?
A: yes
Q: What's your favorite Starbucks drink?
A: pumpkin latte
Q: Recent time you were really upset?
A: monday
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| I'm bored---why else would I do this? |
[29 Mar 2006|12:33am] |
10 LAYERS
LAYER ONE: ON THE OUTSIDE
Name: Becky
Birth date: 7-21-86
Birth place: Boston, Ma
Hometown: North
Eye Color: blue
Hair Color: auburn
Righty or Lefty: right
Zodiac Sign: cancer
LAYER TWO: ON THE INSIDE
Your heritage: English, Irish, Scotish, Dutch, French, Onendega, Mohawk
What Shoes Did You Wear Today: lime green sequined slippers
Your weakness: lonliness
Your perfect pizza: doughy crust, not too much sauce, hawaiian but also with chicken and sausage
Goal you'd like to achieve: I have tons, too many to write here
LAYER THREE: YESTERDAY
Your thoughts first waking up: 5 more minutes??
Your best physical feature: eyes, hands
Your bedtime: anytime, lol. No, btwn 11 and 2
Your most missed memory: my childhood
LAYER FOUR: YOUR PICK:
Pepsi or Coke: pepsi
McDonald's or Burger King: burger king
Adidas or Nike: adidas
Lipton Tea or Nestea: No preference
Chocolate or vanilla: vanilla
Cappuccino or coffee: cappuccino (from the cafe or cumbies)
LAYER FIVE: DO YOU?
Smoke: No
Swear: sometimes/rarely
Like Being Single: No
Take a shower: yeah
Have a crush(es): my man :o)
Think you've been in love: yes
Like(d) high school: sometimes
Want to get married: yes
Do you believe in yourself?: I need to work on that more..but mostly
Get motion sickness: yes!
Think you're a health freak: kinda, not a good one though
Get along with your parents: yeah
LAYER SIX: IN THE PAST MONTH
Drank alcohol: Semi
Gone to the mall: Earlier today
Been on stage: nope
Eaten Sushi: nope
Gone skating: nope
Gone skinny dipping: oo too cold!
LAYER SEVEN: HAVE YOU EVER
Played a game that required removal of clothing: nope
LAYER EIGHT: GETTING OLDER
Age you hope to be married: 25
Numbers of Children: 3 or 4
Describe your dream wedding: haha, not enough space. JK, who knows, I've got ideas, but it'll get figured out when its time
LAYER NINE: IN A GAL/GUY
Best eye color?: I seem to pick brown eyes
Best hair color?: brunette
Short or long hair: short
Type of clothing: whatever looks good, they like, and are comfortable in...dressing up always looks nice though
LAYER TEN: IN THE NUMBERS
Number of CD's: tons, like 75+
Number of piercings: 2
Number of tattoos: 0
Number of times been on T.V: 1
Number of times my name has appeared in the newpaper: 5ish
Number of scars on my body: too many to count
Number of big things in my past that I regret: none
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[25 Mar 2006|12:50am] |
so, I once heard an interesting quote. It said "Insanity is the act of doing something over and over again, expecting a different result every time"
Well, I'm guess I've bee insane to think that the efforts I make towards certain people for their friendship, are in any way going to get them to want to include me. I'm sick of acting insane. I need to just face the reality that I'm not the type of person people generally think of to include or that someone thinks of as a close friend. I hopefully will be able to fully accept this and move on. Meanwhile I hate the jealous, pissed off feeling I get...I'm better than that....I am, I swear.....but just once I want to be someone others think of, think how I think of them.
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[07 Mar 2006|10:35pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 lethargic |
] |
I can't seem to get myself to do the things I need to do in a reasonable time.
I skipped class last Wednesday (sewing), so now I'm behind, because we did more than we usually do, and I went to work on it a little while ago and I need resources in the classroom to do it, so I need to get up super early tomorrow and go to the classroom, hoping its open at my projected 7/730am. After that I'm gonna drag myself to the gym, because yet again, only a day into my workout goal, I'm slacking. If I want to get fit I need to go to the gym, yet I have no drive.
Not to mention other classwork I have to do, that, granted, will get done, but at my oh so amazing last minute rate.
Yet I can take the time to knit Jenny two cozies (one for her camera and one for her phone)...oi, where are my priorities?
I'm so lethargic and I don't know why. I hate it. I don't have the drive to do the things I want and it bugging me so badly. It's not lack of sleep, either. I get plenty, I just feel blech.
Spring break: Montreal, has crashed and burned. I told my Dad about going with only Luis, on the advice of my sister (bc yes, she's right, i shouldn't lie to dad, we have a good trust going and he needs to know stuff like that) and while he isn't against me going because I'll be with only Luis, he is against me going because neither Luis nor I have never been there and he would feel better if I were in a group, or atleast with someone who has been there at least once. Which I can see that point, I suppose (although how am I ever going to travel if someone has to have gone there first...)...and I should respect Dad. Atleast he wasn't freaking out about me being alone with Luis for a week.
So now spring break is up in the air and Luis might end up working instead of taking the whole time off.
Ugh.
And I wicked need to clean my room and I just can't get myself to do it, nor do I really have the time (although the time it takes to write this entry could be put towards cleaning the room, but again, i'm lethargic)
I hope a week off is all I need in order to get out of this funk.
adksfalsdkjfalksdjfalaiesurijslkdjfdsdlkfjasdfjadslkfjwei
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[24 Feb 2006|06:38pm] |
the Romantic
Test finished!
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you chose BY - your Enneagram type is FOUR.
"I am unique"
Romantics have sensitive feelings and are warm and perceptive.
How to Get Along with Me
- Give me plenty of compliments. They mean a lot to me.
- Be a supportive friend or partner. Help me to learn to love and value
myself.
- Respect me for my special gifts of intuition and vision.
- Though I don't always want to be cheered up when I'm feeling melancholy,
I sometimes like to have someone lighten me up a little.
- Don't tell me I'm too sensitive or that I'm overreacting!
What I Like About Being a Four
- my ability to find meaning in life and to experience feeling at a deep
level
- my ability to establish warm connections with people
- admiring what is noble, truthful, and beautiful in life
- my creativity, intuition, and sense of humor
- being unique and being seen as unique by others
- having aesthetic sensibilities
- being able to easily pick up the feelings of people around me
What's Hard About Being a Four
- experiencing dark moods of emptiness and despair
- feelings of self-hatred and shame; believing I don't deserve to be loved
- feeling guilty when I disappoint people
- feeling hurt or attacked when someone misundertands me
- expecting too much from myself and life
- fearing being abandoned
- obsessing over resentments
- longing for what I don't have
Fours as Children Often
- have active imaginations: play creatively alone or organize playmates in
original game
s
- are very sensitive
- feel that they don't fit in
- believe they are missing something that other people have
- attach themselves to idealized teachers, heroes, artists, etc.
- become antiauthoritarian or rebellious when criticized or not understood
- feel lonely or abandoned (perhaps as a result of a death or their parents'
divorce)
Fours as Parents
- help their children become who they really are
- support their children's creativity and originality
- are good at helping their children get in touch with their feelings
- are sometimes overly critical or overly protective
- are usually very good with children if not too self-absorbed
Renee Baron & Elizabeth Wagele
The Enneagram Made Easy
Discover the 9 Types of People
HarperSanFrancisco, 1994, 161 pages
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[18 Feb 2006|12:30pm] |
OMG, that's totally something I would do....
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| Just because I'm bored and sitting at desk |
[13 Feb 2006|10:59am] |
=Bests=
1. Male friend(s): Um...mike? I can talk to him
2. Female friend(s): not sure
3. Vacation: Ohio, bc although it was Ohio and to a basket making factory, it was with all 4 of us and really was an adventure
4. Age: 17-19
=Worsts=
1. Time of day: the morning
2. Day of the week: this semester it's Wednesdays, looong day
3. Food: mushrooms
4.Memory: just guess
=Lasts=
1. Person you saw (not family member): the residents I just scanned into the building
2. Person you talked on the phone with: Luis
3. Person you hugged: Luis
4. Email/message: Kelly
5: IM: Luis
=Firsts=
1. Best Friend(s): Erin F.
2. School: Falls
3. Job: Attleboro Y
4. crush: Lance (in kindergarten)
=Today=
1. What are you doing now: Working desk, listening to blink 182
2. Tonight: Early Valentine's Day
3. Wearing: right now: yellow sda shirt and red sweatpants
4. What did you eat for lunch: its not lunchtime yet
5: Better than yesterday: so far!
=Tomorrow=
1. Sleeping till: whenever I want, within reason
2. Got any plans: mmhmm...and the dentist, individual meeting, mail, desk and duty
3. Dislikes about tomorrow: no Luis
4. Do you have to work: yeah
=Favorites=
1: Number(s): 21
2: Song: lots!
3. Color: shamrock/kelly green
4. Season: autumn
5. Movie: what a girl wants
=LAST=
1. Last Cigarette: never!
2. Last kiss: tuesday
3. Last Cry: almost yesterday
4. Last Library Book Checked Out: harry potter 5 on cd
5. Last Movie Seen In a Theater: The Family Stone
6. Last Book Read: memoirs of a geisha
7. Last Cuss Word Uttered: fuck
8. Last Beverage Drank: water
9. Last Food Consumed: apples & cinnamon oatmeal
11. Last TV Show Watched: um...its been so long...gilmore girls 2 weeks ago
12. Last Time Showered: last night
13. Last Shoes Worn: adidas slides
14. Last CD played: blink 182 - enema of the state and death cab for cutie - plans
15. Last Soda Drank: orange
16. Last Thing Written: orange
17. Last Words Spoken: welcome
18. Last Annoyance: not being invited anywhere
19. Last Time Scolded Someone: dunno
20. Last Web Site Visited: my lj friends page
=BODY=
1. Piercings: just one in each ear lobe
2. Tattoos: none
3. Height: 5'2"
4. Shoe size: 5 1/2
5. Hair color: red
=LAST=
1. Movie you rented: joy luck club
2. Movie you bought: wedding crashers
3. Song you listened to: blink 182-man overboard
4. Song that was stuck in your head: blink 182 aliens exist
5. CD you bought: um...can't remember, its been a long time
7. Person you've called: Luis
8. Person that's called you: Luis
10. Person you were thinking of: Luis
11. Friend you made: not sure
=DO...=
1. You have a crush on someone: just Luis
2. You wish you could live somewhere else: sometimes
3. You think about suicide: nope
4. You believe in online dating: i guess
5. Others find you attractive: Luis says he does, that's all I need
6. You want more Piercings: nope
8. You do drugs: no thanks
9. You smoke: never
10. You like cleaning: if I'm in the mood, which is raaare
11. You like roller coasters: nah
12. You write in cursive or print: a mix of both
=FOR *OR *AGAINST...=
1. Long distance relationship: If it works, it works. I'm in one now kinda, but we can still see each other if we really need to
2. Teenage smoking: against against
3. Doing drugs: against
4. Driving drunk: against against against!
5. Soap operas: dont much care...I don't see how this fits in after drugs and alcohol
=HAVE YOU=
1. Ever cried over a female: friend, yah
2. Ever lied to someone: yeah
3. Ever faked an orgasm: nope
4. Ever been in a fistfight: no
5. Ever been arrested: no
=WHAT=
1. Whats your favorite drink: mmm pinapple and malibu
2. Shoes do you wear: chucks
3. Are you scared of: being upside down, being alone
=NUMBER=
1. Of times you have been in love? 1
2. Of times you have had your heart broken? 1
3. Of hearts you have broken? 1
4. Of drugs taken illegally? 0
5. Of people you consider your enemies? not sure
6. Of scars on your body? uncountable
7. Of things in your past that you regret? 0
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[06 Feb 2006|10:24am] |
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I don't think I've ever seen this in my life and I wish I hadn't left my camera in my room.....it's snow, but it's sunny out....wtf mate?
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[05 Feb 2006|05:48pm] |
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I've realized I haven't done a real LJ entry yet this year, so I figured today was as good a day as any.
School's going well so far, last week was the first full week of classes. I really like them and think I should do pretty well in most of them.
Today was lots of fun: I went to a Bridal Expo with Jenny, Jacqui and Meg. It was fun, and scary, to see all that goes into a wedding. The cake vendor, Rosies, was giving out samples and their cake was amazing. Velvet Underground choco cake. mmmmm. The DJ MC-ing the show was really good and lots of fun, definately the kinda DJ I'd want for my wedding someday, lol.
Jenny won a few things, a wedding planner and 20% off something that was there: her choice. Her big day's not untill 2008 though (which if you think about is, omg so close. it's 2006 now...wow..so I'll be graduating and in the real world in 2 years crap! lol). There was a fashion show which definately helped me with ideas for what I myself would like someday, but I shouldn't really be thinking about that so much right now...too far away! lol
But this has overall been a really fun weekend. Friday I went home, did my laundry, saw Dad and then headed to Luis'. His parent's took us out to dinner @ Unos and then we all watched Lord of War and Legend of Zorro. It was cute to have a "double date" with his parents, lol.
Saturday morning I worked 8a-10a and then proceeded to sleep the day away. I slept until 3:30 which is crazy late, but I hardly got sleep the night before, so it's ok, I think its justified ;o)
Last night I worked 6-8 and Luis came up. It was nice to just hang out in my room with him, I really love it. I love being able to do nothing with him and be completely content. :o)
I worked 12a-4a and Luis left around 1, Jenny and Jacqui hung out with me while working on getting their laundry done.
Doesn't sound like much but I had fun this weekend.
:o)
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| Hmm.. |
[06 Jan 2006|01:04pm] |
Jesus Christ
You two would probably really get along! |
| The founder of Christianity "I will destroy this temple and no one will be able to rebuild it." |
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My test tracked 4 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender:
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You scored higher than 88% on Intuitive |
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You scored higher than 92% on Structured |
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You scored higher than 67% on Mildness |
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You scored higher than 10% on Traditional |
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greensparkler
